Break and Run Away
by Rose DiVerona
Summary: CAROUSEL. Billy Bigelow is dead. And now Mrs. Mullin has nowhere to turn.


A/N: My school did 'Carousel' for our spring musical this year, and I played Mrs. Mullin. I know that, because of its age, 'Carousel' isn't the most well-known show out there, but I figured there were probably a couple people familiar with it. Anyway, I really miss working on the production, so I wrote this one-shot from my character's POV, digging a little bit into the sympathetic core of Mrs. Mullin that I discovered while portraying her. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Rodgers and Hammerstein own 'Carousel.'

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**Break and Run Away**

"Where is he?" I shouted desperately, shoving my way through the crowd of distraught onlookers.

Hands latched onto my arms and someone called, "Don't let her!" But I pushed them all away and broke through to meet a terrifying sight.

Billy Bigelow lay dead on the dock.

His eyes were closed and his face showed peace in death. A coat covered his lower body, hiding the wound I knew must be there - red blood stained the wood beneath. I swallowed and, with difficulty, turned my attention to the young woman crouched beside him.

Julie met my gaze bravely, her face drained of any color but her eyes somehow defiant even as she clutched her dead husband's hand. Reading the question in my eyes, she nodded once and laid Billy's hand gently on his chest, standing and backing away into the arms of an older woman. I felt her gaze on me as my attention returned to my former employee.

I knelt next to him, tears welling up in my eyes. It was difficult to look at the inert man; so still now, missing his customary spark. I forced myself to gaze upon his face and hesitantly reached forward, brushing stray locks of hair back from his forehead. The way I used to.

I choked back a sob. I wanted to kiss his cheek…but I knew I couldn't. It wasn't my place. Billy hadn't been mine for months – if I could ever call him _mine _in the first place.

Sensing the hostile audience behind me, I stood slowly and retreated several steps, looking towards Julie. She stared back at me coldly.

_We're in the same boat,_ I wanted to say. _I loved him, too. And I know what it's like to lose a husband._

My grief prevented me from saying anything and I turned to leave, faltering when I found myself faced by a wall of angry faces. The townspeople hated me. They _all _hated me.

My head swiveled; Julie had not moved, nor had her gaze softened. I looked down at Billy. An overwhelming feeling of complete isolation washed over me – I had banked everything on him. On the false assumption that he cared about me. That I deserved him.

Now I had nothing.

"Oh!" Blindly, I spun. The crowd parted as I fled the way I'd come.

--

Back at the carnival, I stumbled through the assorted booths and attractions, all dark and abandoned for the night. It was late. Soon, the carousel loomed before me, the horses like phantoms in the darkness. I sighed and climbed onto the platform, running my fingers along a cold metal saddle and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

_I used to be happy. A long time ago._

Richard was the barker when I met him; he was handsome and young, and we fell in love. When his boss retired, he inherited the carousel.

Once upon a time, I'd loved the machine. Thought it was romantic. That was before Richard died. I'd been so young back then. Young and foolish, thinking I had everything I'd ever want, and life was fine. Before I knew it, my husband was gone, and all he'd left behind was the most painful reminder of him: Mullin's Carousel.

He was the first barker I ever loved, but he wouldn't be the last.

"Hey – hey, you! What're you doing up there?"

I jumped as a lantern beam fell into my eyes, the handle attached to the night guard's hand. His glare disappeared when he recognized me, and he pulled the lantern away.

"Oh – Mrs. Mullin. Sorry, didn't realize it was you. So dark tonight. No moon, ya know."

I nodded wordlessly, willing him to leave me alone. He didn't.

"Say…have you heard about that old barker of yers? Bigelow, wasn't it? He died tonight, down at the docks after that big clambake they was having. You hear about that?"

I nodded again.

"Ah, well, g'night, Mrs. Mullin." He turned and began to lumber off.

"Good night," I whispered. As soon as he was gone, I wrapped my hand around the pole of the horse I was leaning on and began to shake.

Billy. Billy was dead. He was _really _dead. Everyone knew.

I _had _loved Billy. Just as I had loved my husband, though there were very few who would believe it if I told them so. It just wasn't in my nature to be kind, even to those I cared about. I was used to getting my way. When I lost the first person I'd ever loved, my outer self hardened to protect myself from the hurt. And when Billy came along, I opened up just enough to let him in - and then did everything I could to keep him from hurting me, too. But in the process, I'd alienated everyone else. So now there was no one to count on. I was completely alone.

I looked down at the horse I was clutching and felt a fresh thrill of horror as I realized it was the same one Julie had ridden the night I fired Billy. I backed away and took a deep breath, squaring my shoulders.

It was time to move on. I could see that now. I'd spent my whole life waiting for a happily-ever-after, hiding behind the fancy façade of the carousel, filling my ears with its fairy tale tune. None of that was real. What _was _real was the sorrow I felt. The distasteful reputation I'd unconsciously made for myself. Better to leave those unhappy memories behind and try to find a life elsewhere.

I'd have to start from the beginning. I'd leave the carousel – it represented everything that had gone wrong in my life. It would be sold or torn down for scraps. I didn't care. Some things were better gotten rid of.

I turned and left to pack.

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A/N: I realize that Mrs. Mullin may have seemed OOC, but through acting out the scene where Billy died, I could see how she realized she'd singlehandedly screwed up her whole life, and I wanted to explore what she might have been thinking afterwards.

Review?


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